Duff Beer commercial:  Unemployed?  Out of work?  Sober?  
        You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time!
        Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by!
Homer:  Beer.  Now there's a temporary solution.
  -- ``Homer's Odyssey''



  Moe:  Eddie!  Would you like some pretzels?
Eddie:  No thanks, we're on duty.  A couple of beers would
        be nice though.
  -- The two cops pay a visit to Moe's Tavern, ``There's No
     Disgrace Like Home''



Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's 
        a open beer in the fridge.
   -- Barney Gumbel, your gracious host, ``Homer's Night Out''

 
  
Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please.
Marge: Just a second, Homer.  Lisa has some good news.
Lisa:  He doesn't care, Mom.
Homer: Sure I do!  I just want to have a beer while I'm caring.
  -- It's like walking and chewing gum, ``Bart Gets an F''



At a baseball game, Homer looks forward to the 72-ounce tubs of beer.
   
Marge: Last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor
       umpire. 
Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives
       me the right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself.
  -- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''



Homer: Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer.  My love for you will never die.
  -- When Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''



Homer: Moe, another last beer, please.
  -- Homer thinks he has 24 hours to live, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''



Homer:  Dad, I'm in love.
Grampa: Uh oh!  Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
Homer:  But Dad, I don't drink ...
Grampa: Cut the crap!
        [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy.
        [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.
        Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
  -- Grampa's words of advice, ``The Way We Was''

Counselor:  Do you have any plans for after graduation?
Homer:      Me?  I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.
  -- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was''



*** The AWESOME Homer-Gets-Drunk-at-a-Party episode:

Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it!
Ned:   Au contraire, Simpson.  It has three shots of rum, a jigger of
       bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor.
Homer: Really?  Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem
       to be slurring my speech.  You're right!  Gimme another.
  -- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons''
   
Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol.  Remember last year at the Winfields'
       party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
Homer: No.
Marge: Mm.
  -- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons''
   
The party progresses: Bart swipes some ``horse doovers'', and Homer asks him to
do ``that thing you know how to do'' for the adults.  Bart doesn't know what he's
talking about, so Homer sends him to bed.  Later that evening, Homer makes a fool
of himself with a lampshade on his head, drunkenly tells off a guest, and looks
down Maude's dress.  The guests leave...
   
Dr. Hibert:  If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
    roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert.  Thanks for coming.
Dr. Hibert:  Remember, I said `if'.
  -- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons''
   
The next day, Marge asks Homer if he remembers how he acted at the party, and 
Homer's recollection is MOST flattering to himself, then his memory kicks in,
and he realizes what really happened.
   
   I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
   was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
   But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
   -- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons''
   


Homer: [calling Bart from the Mental Hospital]
       I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days.
       [aside]  Isn't that cute, he's heard of you.
       [to phone]  Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some
       beer on ice...
Man:   Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
Homer: Are you sure you're here voluntarily?
  -- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
      ``Stark Raving Dad''



Homer stops at Moe's for a beer:

Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store
       closes.
Moe:   Well, why don't you go there first?
Homer: Hey!  Do I tell you how to do  job?
Moe:   Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer]
Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
Moe:   Sorry, Homer.
  -- ``Lisa's Pony''



*** Another awesome Simpsons episode about drinking:

Homer: What's the matter, Moe?  
Moe:   Oh, business is slow.  People today are healthier and drinking less.
       You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one
       would even use the cigarette machine.
  -- ``Flaming Moe's''

  Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a
  purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
  -- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's''

Homer asks for a beer, but the taps are dry.  Moe fell behind on his
beer payments, spending his last $10,000 on the Love Tester (a coin-operated
gizmo).  Homer tries to suck the last few drops of beer from the taps,
but Moe tells him Barney did that already.  (``Cut his gums up pretty
bad.'')  Moe reassures Homer that he learned how to make other drinks
at bartender's school, blowing an inch of dust off a Cocktail Chart.

  Gin and... tonic?  [in disbelief] Do they mix?
  -- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's''

Homer tells how he invented this great mixed drink while watching
vacation slides of his sisters-in-law on the beach:

  ``As I stared up at that hairy yellow drumstick, I knew I needed a drink.''

Homer heads into the kitchen for a beer, but since Selma took the last one,
he has to improvise.

  I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
  In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup.
  [mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down]
  [waves his hand in front of his face]
  It passed the first test:  I didn't go blind.
  -- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''

  Moe steals the recipe for the drink, however, and customers start pouring in..

Bart gives an oral presentation in school:

Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
      [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor]
Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody.
Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge!  You can have what's left at the
      end of the day.
  -- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''


The Flaming Moe's Song, sung to the tune of "Cheers":

When the weight of the world has got you down
    and you want to end your life.
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
    and problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the tow'l,
    'cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's....            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
    can warm you like a hug.                    (Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...



Homer writes his only love letter to Marge.. on a postcard from the Duff Beer Gardens:

   [sloppily scrawled]
   Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit.
   they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!?
   get outta here [scrawl]
   --``Bart the Lover''

     Beer!  How did you know!
   -- Homer receives a surprise gift, ``Bart the Lover''



Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
        You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
        Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
        You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
        Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum:  [in baseball uniform]  Hey, we know how to play softball.
  -- The canonical softball drinking game, ``Homer at the Bat''

After Homer scores a home run in a softball game:

Lisa:  Wow, Dad!
Bart:  Homer, can I get you a beer?
Lisa:  No, I want to get him a beer.
Homer: Kids, kids, kids!  You can each get me a beer.
  -- Beer and beer alike, ``Homer at the Bat''



Homer doesn't want to sacrifice to save money:

  Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer.
  Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats!
  -- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death''



  Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around]  a refrigerator!
  They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds.  They make ice, and... um...
  [spots his can of Duff Beer] Oh, wait a minute.  Actually, a woman is more
  like a beer.  They smell good, they look good, you'd step over
  your own mother just to get one!  [downs the beer]  But you can't stop at
  one.  You wanna drink another woman!  [gets another woman out of the fridge]
  -- Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers,
  ``The New Kid on the Block''

Moe:    Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?
        Gasp!  Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!  [drinks it]
  -- ``The New Kid on the Block''
   


Bart: I wanna hold the baby.  I wanna hold the baby.
Marge: I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little.
Homer: Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.
-- "Lisa's First Word"



At Duff Gardens:

"Hail to the Chief" plays as Selma, Bart and Lisa attend the Duff
Hall of Presidents. Of course, they're all robots. Abe Lincoln stands
up.

Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed a
         refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and
         starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to
         say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I
         said the only way! Break down!
         [crushes a beer can on his head]
Lisa: This is a disgrace.
Selma: Hey, if it's this bad, it has to be educational.
  -- I sincerely doubt it, "Selma's Choice"

Bart, Lisa and Selma are at the souvenir stand. Bart spots something
interesting:

Bart:  [reading] "BEER GOGGLES: See life through the eyes of a drunk."
       [puts them on]
       [Selma becomes a foxy lady]
Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart:  [removing glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!
  -- At Duff Gardens, "Selma's Choice"



*** THE absolute best alcoholic Simpsons ever, where Homer gets a DUII...

At Duff Gardens (again):

Homer:  Mmmmm, Gummi Beers. [eats one]  Hey, Barney, I think you've
        had enough.
Barney: [lying on a bench under one of the beer taps] Are you crazy?
        We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar
        Control Duff, ohhh.
        [passes out]
  -- Mmmm, toothpastey beer, "Duffless"

Homer:  Barney, give me your keys.  You're too drunk to drive.
Barney: I'm fine.
Homer:  OK, you leave me no option.  [punches Barney]
Barney: Ow!  What was that for?
Homer:  I'm trying to knock you out.
        [tries a little harder -- with a tire iron]
Barney: Ow!  Cut it out.
        [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door]
        Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow!
        All right, here, take the keys.  [hands Homer the keys]
  -- A head of stone, "Duffless"

Homer gets pulled over himself, though..

Homer:  [standing on one foot and singing "The Alphabet Song"]
        W, X, Y, and Z.  Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and play
        with me.
 Eddie: Flawless.
   Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."
 Eddie: Well, I guess your free to...
Barney: Give him the breathalyzer!
 Homer: Huh?
        [Eddie sticks it in Homer's mouth.  It beeps]
   Lou: You're under arrest!
 Homer: D'oh!
  -- What if that thing's broken...?, "Duffless"

Homer is sentenced to traffic school and Alc-Anon meetings..

  My name is Otto, I looove to get blotto.
  -- Otto introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

  My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the courts made me come.
  -- Homer introduces himself at the Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: Aaah!  [jumps out the window]
  -- The Alc-Anon meeting, "Duffless"

Homer and Marge prepare to retire for the evening.

Homer: ...so they say I might have a problem.
       [finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of that
       wonderful Duff]
Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"]
       Homey, do you ever drink alone?
Homer: Does the Lord count as a person?
Marge: No.
Homer: Then yes.
Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that'd be nice.
Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Homer: Do I ever!
       [fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and
       takes a swig] Ahhhh.
Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality.
Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy]
       [to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh
       duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...
Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it.  No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: .... Deer.
Marge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
       [puts the light out.  We can hear the sound of a can popping
       open]
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."
  -- "Duffless"

Homer: Well beer, we've had some great times...
       [singing to "It was a Very Good Year"]
       When I was 17,
       I drank some very good beer.
       I drank some very good beer
       I purchased with a fake ID
       My name was Brian McGee
       I stayed up listening to Queen
       When I was 17.
  -- "Duffless"

At his kids' science fair, Homer spots Ralph Wiggum's exhibit:  A little
alcohol-fueled car running on a circular track.  He's trying not to think
about beer. He imagines himself at a gasohol pump, alternately pumping gasohol
into his car and himself. "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one
for me."

Homer marks off his first alcohol-free day ("One down, 29 to go")
and watches a little TV.  Unfortunately, it's one of the omnipresent
Duff ads.  This one features a group of women leading an anti-sexism
protest.  A pair of beer delivery men look on, bemused.

   Women: Down with sexism!  Down with sexism!
   Man 1: Look at all those feminists.
   Man 2: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
          [they both reach for bottles of beer, shake them up, and
          spray the foam on the protesters.  This magically turns
          them into bikini-clad party animals.  (Kids, don't try that
          at home.)]
Both Men: Yeah!  Yes!  All right!
  -- A Duff Beer commercial, "Duffless"

  TV, have you turned on me, too?
  -- Homer, "Duffless"

Homer tries to take his mind off his troubles at the ball park, where
he is the only person in the stands not drinking.

Announcer: ...the windup and a 2-2 pitch.  Oh, no, wait a minute, the
           batter is calling for time.  Looks like he's going to get
           himself a new bat.  And now there's a beach ball on the
           field, and the ball boys are discussing which one of them's
           going to go get it.
    Homer: [only one not drinking] I never realized how boring this
           game is.
  -- A rude awakening, "Duffless"

Homer attends another Alc-Anon meeting.

Lovejoy: So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.  There's no
         judgment here.
  Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the
         football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
  -- You remember Matthew 21:17, "Duffless"

Homer rides along on Lisa's bike, trying not to think about beer.
He sees a Duff billboard of a scantily clad woman next to a beer
bottle ("You know you want it") and Homer turns sharply to avoid
looking at it.  He stops at a railroad crossing, where he sees that
the train rolling past is carrying several boxcars' worth of Duff.
The wheels even seem to be saying "Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-
lug"...  Homer turns away from the railroad and bikes straight into
an empty can of Duff which sends him off his bike looking skyward.
A zeppelin flies overhead, with a marquee reading "Surrender to Duff"
and releases a payload of Duff Bottles. "Nooo!!!!"

Despite all of that, he makes it.  Shuddering, Homer crosses off the
last day of the month.

Homer: Thirty days.
Marge: I'm proud of you, Homey.
Homer: Marge, I'm going to Moe's.  Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm
       coming back loaded.  [kisses Marge good-bye]
  -- "Duffless"

Marge: Mmmm.  You don't have to start drinking right away.  I waas
       thinking we could go for a bike ride.
Homer: But Marge, the barflies are expecting me.  Larry, and Barney,
       and that guy who calls me Bill.
Marge: But you look better, you don't sweat when you eat any more, and
       look -- [holds up a wad of cash] you've saved more than a
       hundred dollars.  I found it in your pants.
Homer: [snatches money] Yoink!
Marge: Mmmm.
  -- "Duffless"
 


TV:    The following is a public service announcement.
       Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage
       and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
  -- Homer, ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show''



Homer takes a test:

Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
       But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing
       you with beer.  
Homer's brain:  It's a deal!
  -- ``The Front''



Homer: [cracks a beer] Ahh!
Bart:  Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me!
Homer: Bart, don't interrupt!
  -- "Cape Feare"



Mr. Burns wants Bobo, a teddy bear that Maggie won't let go of. 

Burns: I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
Homer: Yes, sir.
       [thinking] Reject the first offer.  Reject the first offer.
Burns: May I offer you a drink?
Homer: Sorry, Burns, no deal.
  -- A tough bargainer, "Rosebud"

Homer swipes the bear on his way out.  Burns is disheartened, but feels
that Homer won't take long to crack.  At home, Homer sits on the couch
with his family, and Burns is right: Homer cracks, audibly even.  He
grabs the phone frantically: "I gotta call Burns!  I gotta call Burns!
Maybe I can still get that drink."

Burns takes over the local TV channels to force Homer to give him Bobo, but..

Burns: What's that you say?  You can live without television so long as
       you have _beer_?
Homer: [defiantly] That's right.
Burns: [ominously] Wrong.  All beer trucks heading towards Springfield
       have been diverted...this town will be as dry as a bone.  And if
       the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a
       problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
       [The doorbell rings, and Homer answers it]
Barney: [brandishing a gun] Homer, give him what he wants!
  -- You don't know how far he'll go, "Rosebud"



Ruth:  [sighs] I envy you and Homer.
Marge: Thank you.  [realizing] Why?
Ruth:  If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand.  All he ever did
       was eat, sleep, and drink beer.
Marge: Your point being?
  -- "Marge on the Lam"



Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories.
       "Bart is a vampire."
       "Beer kills brain cells."
       Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and
       TV...is.
  -- The king of eloquence, "Treehouse of Horror IV"



Homer: "Asleep at the switch"?  I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart:  I believe you, Dad.
  -- Your sympathy is touching, "Homer the Vigilante"



Barney and Homer compete to be the first civilian in space:

Scientist: Now of course only one of you will be chosen to go into
           space.  So the next few weeks will be a grueling series of
           tests to determine which one of you is most qualified.
Assistant: Oh, and Mr. Gumble: for the duration of the training there
           will be no more beer.
   Barney: What?  Three whole weeks with only wine?  I'll go crazy!
    Homer: And may the best man win.  [whispers to assistant] He's got a
           big drinking problem; could embarrass the program.  Meet me
           up in that tree later and I'll tell you more.
  -- Good sportsmanship, "Deep Space Homer"

Scientist: Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard.  And in a way,
           you're both winners.  But in another more accurate way,
           Barney is the winner.
    Homer: [downcast] Congratulations, Barney.
Scientist: That's very gracious of you, Homer.  Please join us in a
           toast...to the mission!
           [The four of them drink, and Barney looks slightly crazed]
   Barney: It BEGINS...[grabs the bottle and chugs]
  -- So close and yet so far, "Deep Space Homer"

The two men try to restrain Barney, but he breaks free and runs for a
rocket backpack.  Drunkenly yodeling a fanfare, he straps it on and
blasts off.  But it runs out of fuel in midair.  Barney bounces
repeatedly off the corrugated metal roof of a pillow factory, then lands
in the middle of the road, only to be run over by a marshmallow truck.
"I don't understand it," says the assistant, "that was non-alcoholic
champagne."



Bart:  After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine.
       We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down
       there.
Lisa:  And I'm going to the park to jam with "The Little White Girls
       Blues Quartet."  Wanna come with me, Daddy-O?
Homer: I'd love to, honey, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking
       contest today.
Bart:  Think you'll win?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
       you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Bart:  Gotcha.
  -- The wisdom of age, "Bart Gets an Elephant"



After the Simpsons accept a job as caretakers of a ski lodge, a la The Shining:

   Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure
          an honest winter's work out of those low-lives.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing _this_ 
          that caused the previous caretakers to go
          insane and murder their families?
   Burns: Hmm...perhaps.  Tell you what: we come back and everyone's
          slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
-- The utmost respect for life, "Treehouse of Horror V"

As Homer goes crazy:

       [a ghostly Moe materializes behind the bar]
  Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer: Moe...gimme a beer!
  Moe: No.  Not unless you kill your family.
Homer: Why should I kill my family?
  Moe: Uh...they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer: You don't look so happy.
  Moe: [angry] Oh, I'm happy.  I'm very happy -- la la la, la la la la.
       See?  [grabs Homer] Now waste your family, and I'll give you a
       beer!
-- A compelling argument, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Marge: Homer?  Homey?  Hmm...[notices typewriter] What he's typed will
       be a window into his madness.
       [reads it] "Feelin' fine".  Woah!  That's a relief.
       [lightning strikes, revealing "No TV and no beer make Homer go
       crazy" scribbled all over the walls]
       Mmm...this is less encouraging --
Homer: [bursting in] Hello!
Marge: Aah!
Homer: So what do you think, Marge?  All I need is a title.  I was
       thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer"
       something something.
Marge: [timid] "Go Crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
-- That wasn't an offer, "Treehouse of Horror V"



Bart and Lisa face off in a hockey game, and Homer can't decide which one to root for:

The game begins.  Bart wins the face-off against Jimbo and makes a dash
for the net.  Lisa looks determined.  Stopping just outside the blue
line, he takes a huge slap shot -- which beats the goalie!  "I love
Bart!" yells Homer.

On another breakaway, Bart takes another huge slap shot -- which Lisa
gets her glove in front of.  "No, wait!  I love Lisa!" yells Homer.

"Beer?" he says upon seeing Marge return from the concession stand, "Oh,
Marge!  I love YOU!"



When Homer can't go to Moe's, he tries to find another bar to his liking:

Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice friendly place.
Carla: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same
       night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
  Sam: OK, Carla, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my major league
       comeback, I'll sell my bar.
 Norm: Woody...gimme a beer.
Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson.  My chiropractor says I
       can't carry you home any more.
 Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain-dead hick!  [grabs wine
       bottle, smashes it, holds it by the neck]
       I'll kill you!  I'll kill all of you!
-- You wanna go where everybody knows their character, "Fear of Flying"



Homer reads to Lisa from the "Secret World History".

      Lisa: I _still_ don't believe all the founding fathers were
            Stonecutters.
     Homer: That's because you trust your stupid schoolbooks.  Here's
            what _really_ happened at the signing of the Declaration of
            Independence.
            [flash to signing]
Washington: And a nation is born.  Now let us party like 'twas 1799!
            [small kegs are rolled in; two men chug]
  Everyone: [chanting] Quaff!  Quaff!  Quaff!  Quaff!
            [a man lights a match, blows beer at it]
            [it makes a flamethrower and burns another man's wig]
     Owner: Please, sir!  You're destroying my establishment.
       Man: We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-
            life commoner.  [kicks him]
     Homer: [in the present] You want to see how Davy Crockett _really_
            died at the Alamo?  You must be eighteen...
-- Or is that NC-17?, "Homer the Great"



The Simpsons visit Australia:

    Homer: [to bartender] Hey!  Give me one of those famous giant beers
           I've heard so much about.
           [bartender puts a huge beer in front of him]
Bartender: Something wrong, yank?
    Homer: No.  It's pretty big...I guess.
    Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer, it is.
    Marge: No, I said "coffee".
Bartender: "Beer"?
    Marge: [slowly] Coff-ee.
Bartender: Be-er?
    Marge: C -- O --
Bartender: B -- E --
-- Selective hearing, "Bart vs. Australia"



Barney Gumbel, drunk extraordinaire, makes an artsy film and enters it in a contest:

Barney's movie is in black and white.  It opens with a shot of a Duff
beer bottle on a windowsill.  Gauzy white curtains billow around it as
the love theme from "M.  Butterfly" plays.  A hand grabs the bottle and
turns it upside down; the camera pans slowly down to reveal Barney's
lips on the other end of it.

The next shot shows Barney from above lying on a couch under the window.
As a voiceover, he says, "My name is Barney Gumbel.  I'm 40, I'm single,
and I drink."  The scene fades to a road where Barney lies in the
gutter, drinking another Duff, then lying down.  The Duff pours slowly
into a sewer grating.  "There's a line in `Othello' about a drinker:
`Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.'  That
pretty well covers it."  The camera shows a time lapse view of clouds
moving during the day, which turns to night, then back to day again.
Barney has become an old man, bald, toothless, still lying in the same
gutter.  A tear leaks from his eye.

A woman watching the movie is moved.

 Woman: It's brilliant: savagely honest, tender...he has the soul of a
        poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
 Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

Back on the screen, Barney sits in a chair and says, "My name is Barney
Gumbel, and I'm an alcoholic."  The camera pulls back to reveal several
similarly-attired girls.  Lisa says, "Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout
meeting."  Barney asks, "Is it?  Or is it that you girls can't admit you
have a problem?"

The scene fades to a playing record player, then back to Barney on the
couch, a rose held to his nose.  "Don't cry for me," he narrates, "I'm
already dead."  He puts the rose in the Duff bottle on the windowsill;
its petals fall off slowly, and the curtain billows in front of it as
"Fin" appears.
-- He was drinking an hour later, "A Star is Burns"

Homer gets to vote on Barney's movie:

 Homer: [thinking] Hmm...Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the
        Groin" had a football in the groin.
Barney: [on the screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
 Homer: Wow.  I'll never drink another beer.
   Man: Beer here!
 Homer: I'll take ten.
-- "Never" meaning "right away", "A Star is Burns"

Barney wins the film contest:

Barney: [at the podium] I've learned I have a gift to share with the
        world.  From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumbel:
        hardworking, clean, and sober.
Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your grand prize: a lifetime
        supply of Duff beer.
Barney: Huh?  [pulls up sleeve] Just hook it to my veins!
-- Even the greatest idol has a few vices, "A Star is Burns"



Barney: Hey Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply.  After this case,
        and the other case, there's only one case left!
         [pretending to be the other people in the room] Yeah, yeah!
        Uh, Barney's right.  Yeah, let's drink some more beer.  Yeah!
        Hey, what about some beer?  Yeah, Barney's right.
 Homer: All right, guys, pipe down.  I got some more in the garage.
-- Anything for a beer, "The Springfield Connection"



At Moe's bar, a toxic haze hangs in the air:

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer.  Sure, I'm all dizzy and
        nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
        [a man at the end of the bar slumps to the floor]
   Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes I'm gonna
        have to charge you.
        [two scientists in ecosuits walk in]
   Man: Man alive!  There are, uh, men alive in here.
 Woman: [holding a beeping detector] I'm detecting over twenty different
        toxins in the air.
        [Barney belches; the beeping increases in speed]
   Man: All right, everybody out!  As long as Burns is pumping oil, this
        bar is closed!
   Moe: Damned Burns.  Let me just get one thing.
        [pulls shotgun from behind the bar]
Barney: Me too!
        [pulls gun from his side] Ah: now _there's_ the inflated sense
        of self-esteem!
-- Barney, NRA card-carrier, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?  Part One"



Apu shows Lisa the secret exit to his rooftop garden:

 Apu: Here.  Let me show you something Lisa.  [Walks to a cooler marked
      'Non-Alcoholic Beer" and opens the door.  A set of stairs leading
      upward is behind it.]
Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase.  But what do you do if someone wants a
      non-alcoholic beer?
 Apu: You know, it's never come up.
-- Beer-swilling Springfield tube-jockeys, "Lisa the Vegetarian"